Not Skinny…

Illusion

WoW

I decided to quit today. Like I did a few weeks ago and 6 months before that. I don’t know how I’ll manage because I’m deathly scared of falling back into Azeroth for another long stretch of my life span. I’ve decided to take up old hobbies. You know, the things that used to get me all hot and bothered before I sold my soul to the Blizzard Gods. I made a list and I might tack some new things on IF I’m feeling adventurous.

1) Anime.

2) Fantasy novels. Lots of them.

3) Dancing like a maniac.

4) People. Yes, human interaction would be nice for a change.

6) Restrictive eating habits.

My bucket list of simple things

inspired by thelotusness. Thank you.

-read all of Shakespeare’s plays.
-knit a scarf for a friend.
-dance in the rain on a hot summer day.
-tell myself “I love you” and actually mean it.
-take my vitamins everday for 1 week.
-20 mins of yoga everday for 1 week.
-inspire someone to make a bucket list of simple things.

To be continued elsewhere…

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I feel it creeping back. My old ways calling to me. I mean, seriously, how could I believe that I would be strong enough to live a normal life? I can honestly say that I feel even worse than ever before, fatter than I’ve ever been, just disgusting. I’ve been digging up my old pro-ed websites, contemplating how best to avoid confrontation with my bf, and generally trying to get back into the swing of things. It’s almost like waking up from a bad dream. Or maybe I’m just returning to one? I don’t know. What I do know is that I need some help. My control is slipping. Oh, and I don’t mean restricting. My control of life, of me, of reality. Why me? Why an eating disorder. Why do I need this kind of control?

Please, just leave me alone. I want to live a normal life. I am tired of this.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Agenda

Noon: Nassau Street Seafood Company to pick up oysties!

1pm: Head over to ringing rocks for a great time with Patch.

3pm: Explore new hope/lambertville

5pm: Find some yummy food to eat!

8pm: Movie night

117.8

It’s not much but I’ve been consistently weighing in at around 118 or so. I am currently fasting(juice) for four days and hope that I’ll lose another 2lbs by the end of this week. I’ve been noticing small changes in the mirror. My neck is more defined, my face less puffy, and I felt my hipbones protruding at breakfast. Overall, I don’t want to get too excited because I know that I can lose all the results with a few days of binging.

A moment of clarity.

I’m starting to think that this is not worth it. I mean, seriously — why am I compelled to be skinny again? Yeah, I know… The love handles staring at me from the mirror. Still, I wonder if it’s really good enough. I think about being skinny and shedding all my cares. But then… What about school, work, and all the other equally fucked up things in my life? Will being skinny fix them? I know that I’ll go back to starving, no, restricting… Hopefully I’ll have this reminder to gradually help me get to a better place. This(eating disorder) will kill me. I am well aware of the consequences. I keep telling myself that I have maximum control. Pssh, that’s maximum horseshit.

Tired

I can’t help but cry thinking about all I’ve done in the pursuit of thin. There has to be a way without the emotional ups and downs, feeling absolutely worthless because of not being goal weight, but where? What’s the sense in eating 1500-1900 cals a day if at the end of it, you feel like a failure? I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Just ranting, I suppose. Back to restricting.

Words…

Are becoming quite useless. I keep talking the talk, but when will I ever walk the damn walk?